My friend has died. She was sick for a long time and now she has died and I’m having a hard time concentrating on anything else.
Last night, I had a dream that I gave a Ted Talk on grief. I’m kind of a professional at this point, I said, and the audience laughed and laughed. Over the past four years, I have seen a handful of people I love die, one person I love almost die, and another want to die. My friend says that the universe wants us to pay attention, that it is almost always sending us lessons. What is the lesson in this?
I’m not sure why this one death has me spinning. I always thought of us as ancillary friends (is friendship measurable?) We didn’t grow up together or talk on the phone every day or meet up regularly for lunches or coffee dates, but she has died and the world feels different, like it’s tilted in the wrong direction, or it’s slowed its orbit and now I’m walking around feeling the new gravity pull in my stomach. I’m afraid it’s never going to go back.
I met this woman, my friend, eight years ago. Our daughters were classmates, teammates, and best friends. We spent a lot of time together at school events, birthday parties, and traveling the country for soccer tournaments. Our kids spent every weekend together, sleeping at one of our houses, and we made sure they were fed, and we texted each other when they got home safe, and I sought her out in bleachers and on sidelines where we cracked jokes and gossiped and shared recipes, and we’d drink Titos and Fresca or Gin and Tonics and sit at the hotel bar while our kids swam and ate takeout pizza and when my mom got sick, she checked on me, sent flowers, and when she got sicker, our home became a second home for her daughter.
Since my friend has died, people have sent their condolences. They have said things like, I’m sorry for your loss. This has confused me. Why are you sorry for me? Be sorry because my friend is gone, and she is missing this day, and she will miss tomorrow too and the day after that. And her three teenagers are still here, and they will be here tomorrow and the day after that, and they will have to live all these days missing their mother. Maybe, instead of I’m sorry for your loss maybe we should say to each other I’m sorry a person you love is missing all of this. They should really be here. They would want to be here. Because that’s the thing. My friend would give anything for all this.
My daughter says that knowing her and loving her has made her believe in an afterlife. I don’t pretend to know about things like this, but I do know that my friend knew how to live better than anyone, even as she was dying. And I envied the way she mothered, with a fierce devotion, like she’d been practicing for the role her whole life. And you know what? She really loved my kid. And not in that falsetto way that some people will say they do. She really did and to think about it now makes my breath catch a little. Do you know what that’s like? To have a friend like that?
The last time I saw her, she was thin, but she was smiling. She was sad because it was our daughters’ last high school soccer game and graduation was weeks away. Can you believe how fast it went? She asked, and I think I rolled my eyes and said something stupid and thoughtless like I can’t wait until I never have to sit on these cold bleachers again because I believed that the future was endless and that we would be sitting together in the cold forever, watching our girls run laughing through life.
That was only five months ago.
Listen. Nothing is endless. And you will miss those bleachers and that friendship and those moments when your daughters were spending the night somewhere close, where you knew they were safe and fed and loved and laughing.
You will miss your friend today and tomorrow and the days after that.
Is this the lesson, Universe? That she was my friend and that is unmeasurable and now she is gone and she is going to miss all of this and her kids are going to miss her and my kid is too and I’m sad and I’m having trouble moving the same way in this world with the new tilt and orbit and I’m sorry about all of it? She really should be here. She would want to be here. What a goddamn loss.